timing is everything
by you know im gilderoylockhart
Summary: lily evans and james potter are nineteen years old and in the middle of fighting a war. yet, on top of all of that lily finds out that one drunken night has led to a baby. the timing is... not the best.


Lily evans sat on the side of the bathtub, tears rolling down her cheeks. The piece of plastic in her hand was just that, a piece of plastic, and yet it had ruined everything. _No. not ruined._ But at the same time yes, ruined. James and lily were both nineteen. They were nineteen and they were not even engaged yet. They had both agreed they didn't want to get married until after the war. They didn't want to get married until then because they had also agreed they weren't going to have sex until they were married, all of this because they didn't want to have a child in the middle of the war. They didn't want to bring a human being into this without the human being having a choice. If lily had a choice on whether or not to be born she definitely would have passed. She wasn't even out of hogwarts yet when she joined the war effort. Now she and james were both living under the stress of the constant threat that one day one of them could come home to the news that they would never see the other again. And it was harder for lily. She never brought it up but she was especially afraid. James was a supporter and all, but he was still a pureblood and the death eaters wouldn't kill a pureblood if they could help it. Lily on the other hand was a walking target. Everywhere she went she was expecting the cruciatus curse, at least. Not irrationally either. There had been times she had been under the influence of the unforgivable torture just for going out to the market to buy more bread. Sometimes, just sitting at home, she would have a full blown panic attack just thinking about it.

Even with all her fear and all james' support and all those good intentions there had been that night. The night of frank and Alice's Wedding where both james and lily had vowed to have a good time no matter what. Incidentally, that good time involved getting so wasted that they broke their no-sex-before-marriage oath. With such a consequence lily could feel another panic attack coming on. She slid onto the floor, her back against the tub, still clutching the pregnancy test. Unable to let go of it.

Her breathing became hard and painful. Her body started shaking and more tears began flowing from her eyes, which only heightened her panic because now she couldn't see anything through the fog they created. A baby. She had really fucked up this time, hadn't she. Her sharp breathing was all she could process. She tried to rock her body back and forth to soothe herself but it didn't work. She kept rocking anyway.

At some point during the attack james came into the room. he sat next to her, accustomed to the procedure. He didn't touch her. He just quietly said encouraging things until lily stopped shaking and was able to breath normally again. The tears didn't stop, though.

"What's the matter, lil?" James asked thoughtfully slipping an arm around her now that he could see she was no longer flat out panicking. No, now her panic was at least contained.

Lily couldn't tell him could she? She had to. Not telling him was out of the question. He would obviously find out.

"Okay," the quiet word interrupted her train of thought "i'm here if you need me." and james continued to sit next to her, never pushing her or pressuring her. The thought of not telling him made her feel so guilty, but the thought of bringing some poor unsuspecting child into this world that would probably be killed before he could even speak made her a whole different kind of guilty. She could always… get rid of the baby. It was a horrible thought and lily hated herself for thinking it but she might have to. In order to keep fighting, in order to save this poor child from some horrible life. Could she really do that? Could lily really kill her only child.

"I'm-" lily started to tell james but stopped herself. What was she doing? He couldn't know. What if she decided to get rid of it? But he deserved to know.

"I-" she started again

"I'm sorry." was what actually came out

"For what?" james asked incredulously

"For doing this to you. To… it. Hell, i'm sorry i did this to myself. Oh, merlin, i'm a horrible person." she muttered

"Far from it." james reassured her "what did you do?" he asked kindly. After another long pause filled with debating voices inside lily's head she stated

"I got pregnant."

another silence fell after her statement where the only audible things were the faint running of the refrigerator from across their flat and lily's steady stream of tears.

"Are you sure?" james finally asked. Lily nodded, finally opening her hands to reveal the little plastic strip inside them that meant so much.

"Why are you so upset?" james asked. Lily looked at him, half wondering if he was serious

"Because it's a war. We vowed to never do this. We're bringing a human being into this war. Hell," lily started to think out loud "it might not even make it here. The maternal history of my family is extraordinarily poor and i won't have access to a doctor during the pregnancy. It's on file that i'm a mudblood and if i go in for any reason they'll just kill me anyway."

"Don't say that about yourself. You're not a mudblood. Who cares what kind of blood you have? You're lily. You're my lily and that's it."

"Who cares what kind of blood i have? That's what this whole bloody war is about. I could always…" lily struggled to say it "i could always… not keep it." as lily said it she saw james' face sink

"You could." he said quietly. Lily knew he would let the choice be up to her, even if he was against it but she wouldn't do it if he really didn't want her to. This was his baby too.

"But you don't want me to."

"No," he admitted "i definitely don't."

"I don't want to have to do that either." and she didn't. The thought of killing her unborn baby crushed lily but she was just trying to think what was honestly best.

"So don't. Lily, please. I'll let you do whatever you think is best and whatever you believe is right, just consider what i think too, alright? I think i want this baby. I _know_ i want this baby. Don't do anything before you've really thought about it."

"I won't." james nodded along and right then and there, lily didn't know what hit her but her mind was made up "i won't get rid of it."

"What?" james looked at her, his face lifting

"We'll keep it. We're going to have a baby," and then he hugged her. He held he against him tighter than he ever had before and she clung back. After a minute of holding this she felt his body shake and heard a sob. She pulled back and looked at him. He was crying, but he was smiling.

"Oh, lil," he said, his smile growing wider "we're having a baby!"


End file.
